Another distraction takes its course

My support system is bleak                    Q


   c                            my habit continues


who's to say that I'm not satisfied with the teachings of my choir                                  z


In the middle of my own little chair lies an unknown story                    y


    p                   no matter how much is given


no matter how much is read


it's still unknown


don't pretend to be a part of the crowd when the crowd is scarce. 


 F                  No one cares. 


I have tried to


but in my caring is my own suffering


                 k                in sharing a heart I lose a heart                                  E


so with no heart left to offer


  M                    how can I still be hurt by words


unless my mind is what controls my pain


              h                               r                             so then I give it away just to lose it


and what am I to do without a mind                             T


              b           letters start to disappear

What did you dream when you ate a spider while sleeping?

I dreamt I was awake.

Time will tell

I daydream a lot
I spaced out at work and envisioned the alarms going off crying some kind of warning. 
I came to and 10 seconds later the alarms went off. The boss said there hadn't been a drill since
the office opened a few years earlier. 


I imagined a traffic jam in the middle of a bridge that i'm terrified of. I imagined the bridge collapsing. It is a bridge near no city. A bridge located on a highway at least 10 miles away from any exit. I almost went the long way to avoid the possibility of my imagination being right but I convinced myself it was all nonsense. When I went around the corner nearing the bridge I could see a hundred cars back to back...with little signs of movement. I panicked and pulled over to the side before the bridge. It didn't collapse, but it terrified me all the same. 


I saw ( or more like felt) the death of someone a week before they died.


I was walking on a path and a young woman appeared in my mind. A woman I hardly knew. A woman who sat a few rows behind me in a public speaking course three semesters earlier. Out of nowhere she appeared in my mind and then moments later she appeared on the path. 


I awoke at eight a.m. My body refused to move because my mind was filled with horrible thoughts. Thoughts of a tragedy. Thoughts of earthquakes and a tsunami sweeping away my son and I was without control. Eight thirty a.m the thoughts cease. I get out of bed to make a phone call to tell another of my anxious thoughts. He informs of an earthquake that has recently passed and he informs me of the tsunami that is currently happening. He informs me. 




There was a girl. We had an encounter once, twelve years ago, when I dated her friend. We hung out briefly for a few hours one day. She was older than me and we didn't talk much, in fact we probably didn't talk at all. It was the only time I had ever seen her. Twelve years later this random girl, this stranger, her face appears in my mind. It takes me a few minutes to even remember her name. A week after she appears in my head I am riding in a car with her on a two hour trip. 


Walking into a grocery store I throw my arm around my eight year old son's shoulder. Out of nowhere I say to him "You're eighteen." He says to me "Mommy you are psychic. Earlier today I was telling the teacher that I was eighteen and then after school I was telling daddy that I was eighteen." 






these are a few things, Synchronicity's if you will, that have happened within the last year. There have been more, more insignificant coincidences that have occurred, such as saying things before another person, predicting weather, etc 




So it's especially eerie to me now when I get a bad feeling because well....how can I determine which bad thought or feeling will come true with which bad thought or feeling is just nonsense? 

Time will tell 

All the days of tomorrow

I am the only one who can speak for me so i'll tell it like it is 

I am gone

as of lately I am gone

I've begun to worry about life

not the lives of others 

not my own life

but what my life means to others

what my life is lacking in the eyes of others 

what makes me worth so little to what seems like everyone I know

Sure times are tough

they're tough for us all

I could get over it

but i'm done getting over it 

I am my own shack 

my own pool of infinite sorrow

and that must be what scares them off

it must be why six billion other souls go about their daily business

instead of finding meaning in me. 

I'm real. That's all you have to worry about. 

I don't drool over sitcoms 

I don't iron my clothes

and floss my teeth just to impress others

and I no longer hide what I feel for fear of judgment. 

I am reality.

If reality means I must spend ninety eight percent of my time living in my own prison

then i'll take it. 

you may fear me because i'm dramatic

you may fear me because everyday i'm a little bit closer to showing you who you really are

this is why you leave me alone.

you all leave me alone.

you can't take another second 

of stained teeth and scarred flesh

just like I can't take another second of fake love

love means you're there. 

No one is ever here. 

and that will be our secret. 

One Hundred and Fifteen Pounds of Seventeen year old fat.

I'm Leaning against a bathroom door with a knife pressed against my heart


The person who loves me tries to break in


They don't know that if they simply kick the door down 


that the knife will go straight through my heart




Am I awful? Sometimes. 
Am I a bad person? I tell myself I am so that way I have an excuse for behaving the way I do. In reality though....nah i'm not bad. 
I've learned to adapt
accept my life
i've learned to take the lemons and make short films out of them 


i've learned to take a can of soup and whip it across the room nearly nicking my best friends head because someone else in the room called me "Fat." One hundred and fifteen pounds of seventeen year old fat. 
I've learned to crawl into closets and sleep under beds
take showers with clothes on and eat ramen in the dark
reside behind three locked doors in infinite space 


I'm not suppose to notice space but i'm in the middle of an empty room with all this unused air around me ( I don't breathe much) it's challenging, being a hermit. But i've adapted. 


Although I cry out of loneliness i've adapted. I've even accepted that I proofread my posts before I publish them. I see words like "cry" and "loneliness" and the thought of sending something out like that for the world to read makes me cringe. This person (as in me) who used to be so private, so locked down with her own books of written sob stories and painful memories jotted down on post-it notes, THIS person (as in me) has found someway to completely alter her hidden private emotional world into something so public and overly dramatic which makes this person believe that a word like nonsense applies to her life now more than ever. 


But why do I cringe at the idea of others knowing these personal things about me.... why do I believe sharing these facts about myself and sharing life experiences is nothing more than nonsense? This is after all the anatomy of melancholy. If you want to know where it comes from.....and if I want to know where it comes from...then we'll just have to read on and learn it together. This is all improv so the moment you learn something new about me than so do I. 

We'll learn moments from fourty-five pounds of five year old fat to one hundred and fourty-pounds of twenty eight year old fat. That's a lot of growth in between maybe we can help each other discover some interesting and happy stories about the in between. 

An All Encompassing Fear

There is a significant detail that weaves its way around my entire world


It is what makes me 


I loathe that I am terrified from the moment I wake up until the moment I sleep


but it can't change


I can't change


It is all encompassing


you might think i'm crazy


you might say I sound crazy


I might even say I sound crazy


but how can anyone be crazy when feeling



something as real as this


it's all about beliefs and what you can see


the majority of the world believes in a god but they can't see a god


yet that doesn't make them crazy


so then why am I


I can hear them


I can feel them


but the world continues to say that monsters don't exist


so how do I live in a world where i'm the only one who can see what's really there


Pessimism has left me long ago


I look for light


I hope for it 


but the sun is dim in this gray area 


I can't even see through it most times


which is why I rely heavily on what I feel 


there is crazy


there is sanity


there is me


i'm in the middle of it all


what misfortune is this


to be so unclear to whether i've lost my mind or that I am just opening it up more to see the truth


what is real and what isn't 


I don't know anymore


does anybody

3 2 1.....

Alone in the dark

The flatlining connection

I gravitate towards those who are like me because I want someone who understands. I need someone who understands. I meet and greet....and then a special bond is formed because the both of us are one in the same...Time passes by but it never works out because the both of us are one in the same. I can pretend to be happy or I can gladly accept settling. You can pretend to be happy or you can gladly accept settling but if you can't handle yourself, if I can't handle myself, than how are we expected to handle extensions of ourselves?

What's the point of connecting 


with an invisible chain


we'll both forget it's there


and we'll keep on walking


in separate directions


letting the other person drag behind




opposites attract.