Saw a piece of worn down brick at the beachworn down by the pressure of the ocean
I'm not going to shape my words today to make them sound poetic
or beautiful
but enough to keep your attention
i'll tell it like it is
i'm hurt. I feel confused. I fell in love with a 20 gage shotgun
and not once did I think about pointing it towards my head and leaving
a mess for others to clean up. I didn't think about hurting others. I thought about
surviving. It made me ask myself when did the vegetarian become the hunter?
I'm going through a shift
not a phase
I always go through phases
but I go through these shifts that make me change
my morals, my entire belief system.
It's strange. Because how can you stick with something for so long, claim it,
be dubbed "holier than thou" by some, and then change what you believe in
just like that. Change the way you feel, the way you operate. Something happens to
make me go off course, or on course rather. I feel like i'm going to try to survive and
learn what I need to learn to do so. I think I might hunt. I think I might protect myself
and those I love. I don't know if the confusion is making me think differently. Like I'm
stuck outside my own body.
But i'm seeing the world in a different way.
But I feel hurt by some things. I feel I have nowhere to go. Nothing to offer. I'm almost 30. Places I work close down, file bankruptcy, lay me off. They think I'm a charm, but i'm just unlucky. Supposedly I have this talent but I'm so lazy about it. I have all these ideas but no motivation. I can see things and think them but I have no way of getting them out...like my tongue is ripped off...like my mouth just disappears.
Things happen. I choose to act one way because I think it's the right thing. But who sets the standards, the guidelines, for the "Right thing?" When did wrong become wrong. Maybe what's wrong is what's right for some people. Where do I get my conscience from. It's certainly not something I learned. I think I might have to go to my Dads for a while. I think I might have to try to find a job up there. Just save save save that way I can have enough for a home down here.
I thought about myself lying in the bathtub after an overdose. But I can't do that in their house. I can't do that in their house. That's all i'm thinking. I just can't do that in their house and ruin the memory of their first home, that would be horrible. But the fact that i'm even thinking about it and the excuse I have to not do it is because I don't want to do it in somebody else's home. It would be bad for them, they'd have to move. That's not right at all. It's just images. It's just an action that would never happen. Why am I even talking about this?
I want to make music. I haven't had the time to. But now I have time to and something chewed through my keyboard cord. I wouldn't even know what to sing about.
I've just been blank. Really out of it. I don't remember places or things. I can't even try to remember. I just don't remember. I feel like there is all this air inside. I don't know how to remember anything. I'm just really out of it. I feel like there is nothing inside of my head at all. No sign of life, no ounce of intelligence, just nothing there at all. It's strange because I know i'm getting depressed again but ordinarily when I am so i'm a fucking genius. I come up with all these beautiful ideas, poetry, novels, things that just sound so good. Everything just makes sense. It's like I tap into this other world, the other side of my brain that I couldn't ordinarily access. And it makes me see things in a different way. But right now I can't. All this air, all this heavy air it just feels like pure exhaustion. I can't think about anything, my eyes are droopy, i'm somewhere else, and i'm just not with it. I know. I know I know I know I know I know i'm not with it. How do I get with it. How do I snap out of it and make myself go on track again, whatever track it is. Because right now I'm not even close to a track. Just kind of hovering, hanging out on a fucking tree with a damaged branch that's about to fall and I don't know what to do.
I miss my dog. I miss my son. I miss matt. I miss feeling love.
I'm so pathetic. I'm someone who needs love. So much love, so much love. I've been on my own for a long time and I can live by myself, be in seclusion for weeks at a time. I don't have to be with guys all the time, i'm not one of those girls. I'm alone more often than not. But I need love so badly. I need reassurance. I need security. yet i'm really independent. It's so strange. This duality of everything. That's who I am. Just pure opposites. The vegetarian hunter. I don't make any sense. I really don't.
