If you listen I'll talk

When I find out the truth about what others think of me life becomes difficult. 
I'm not suggesting that ignorance is bliss. 
I only feel that pieces of my life that once had meaning are now to be thrown away with the rest of the worlds garbage. 
When I find out the truth about what others think of me things become complicated.
 On one side my mind thinks "What do I care? I'm better than this nonsense anyways."
 On the other side my mind seeks approval. 
It also makes me wonder about the things I thought were real. "Well if they think this, they must also feel this way."

 After a while it gets painful and then I begin to wonder what parts of the relationship ever mattered in the first place. 

I've realized that my self 

doubt doesn't originate from my own mind, but the minds of others.

 

Without support, without encouragement, goals that I have just become days of the week.
 There is no longer a difference between the two. Fighting for something I really wanted just becomes fighting through another day.
 Then the days of the week blend together for me and I just get one giant struggle.






 I've never cared about eyes watching me, even when I was younger. Watchful eyes didn't concern me.
I played out my own role and was never bothered with what I was "Suppose" to do or who I was "Suppose" to be. 
Transforming into what others wanted me to be, what nonsense.
 It became an amazing thing when I met the select few who didn't need that from me, who didn't require transformation. Ah love and friendship, what an amazing thing. 
Years later comfort sets in just as I realize they didn't require transformation because they never required me. 
That's when those watchful eyes become a problem. 
Eyes that wouldn't have mattered before have made me crave blindness. They have made me crave ignorance. They have made me want a way out of this mess. 










But those eyes can watch me climb from the hole they put me in
 because i'm back to square one.