I think about calling strangers and inviting them to discuss reasons why they find the world
so fascinating enough for me to stay in it. Like maybe the way they feel about their favorite foods will keep me here.
These past few months i've been someone else. I've made decisions in hopes of feeling complete and bettering my mind. But they've only enhanced the weaknesses. I told myself I wouldn't do this again. But when you've lost yourself who are you really talking to. After months of blocking out my own mind to try to save myself…i've lost myself. I've become the stranger and am no longer equipped to fix it.
….and it's the worst... when your head feels like it does and the people you love are in the next room laughing about something on the television. so much happiness and enthusiasm for life just one staircase down from something so dark and desperate. How can they be so sheltered to your thoughts of hanging. Your thoughts of falling out the window. Your thoughts of bleeding out where you sleep. How do they not feel the same thing you feel. I feel this when i'm alone. In my bed with the lights off and most of the time i've kept it to myself. Why discuss something that's been happening for years. What difference would it make anymore to myself or anyone else. How am I supposed to reach out when the few I have to reach out to have become numb to my cries? I'm a broken record. The boy who cried wolf and only bravery would make that all go away. The one thing i've always lacked.
The separation inside has prepared us for things we already knew. They won't remember my smile and your smile. They won't remember my laugh and your laugh. They won't remember the good in me and the pain in me. They won't remember the good in you and the pain in you. After long, they won't remember me and you at all. Before you and I ever thought about leaving….they've already forgotten.
The world has gone on. Long before we even left it.
