The part that wins

                                           I haven't decided yet. How can I?


I have a hard time sleeping at night. I'm often consumed by fear. I live in a big house all alone in the middle of nowhere which triggers all of these nightmares. When I created this track I was almost on the verge of paranoia. I feel I may have created it in hopes of escaping it. For my video "How she sleeps" I took this track, reversed it, then recorded another voice track over it. Hope you enjoy it.    




How she sleeps audio track




"How she sleeps" video ( audio reversed) 







fin 

It should have left me long ago

Instead it's hanging on as tight as it can. 




I'm not a fan of those who complain 


so when I do complain i'm worse off than when I started 

I keep telling myself that there is something important to look forward to 


but I've never looked forward. 




Once upon a time there was a princess. She had everything, which in turn, made her have nothing. 






Here is something else I don't like 



let me share it with you 




To those of you out there who see a neighbors tears and say something along the lines of "you have nothing to be depressed about. Look at the starving children in Africa" 


Or maybe you've even said something like this 




"There are so many people out there who have it far worse than you will ever have it." 




You are a very fortunate piece of work to not have to deal with something so tragic. 


But Let me educate you for a moment. 

It is not about surroundings    It is not about the food we may or may not have to put inside of our bodies   it is not about an external war between two countries    it is about an internal war inside of our minds    there is no control    we feel it because it's in there    this is not about comparison   because when our minds go dark there is nothing else that exists that we can even compare ourselves to   be fortunate that you are not a part of it  but be aware enough to not toy with something you don't understand  we are manipulated by our own brains   and that's it    there are two ways out of it    one way is to retrain your mind which can take decades  another way is to pretend it doesn't exist and live a life that isn't yours until one day the real one forcefully comes out         if you haven't experienced it then forget what you think you know          it's probably wrong anyways 

and this is how she sleeps

Step one. MOVE. -> Punctuation. That was step two. Punctuality, why?  someone isn’t waiting for me. REALITY: Everything is real, even when it’s only in my head. LIFE = It’s a short lifeline. FACT: I used to be afraid of the dark but now it’s all I know. LIE: I am not afraid of the dark. CONFESSION: I am terrified of the dark. I am the only one who dances circles around myself. I am the inventor of the game. LESSON: cutting myself deep because of what didn’t matter. GLORY: knowing others find something in me worth sharing to one another, even if it’s a fault. -> Have you moved yet. We’re getting closer now.  Rug burned body, buy a bed. Metallic in my mouth from tasting what I see. -> stop looking <- confused, ripped wings, short life line. I try to save it anyways. Here and now. I try to save it anyways and if I reach it, it will sting. But it’s all I know. Heart landing. You’re not as gone as I thought you were. EXPERIMENT: Only create when you can barely stand. When you’re so tired you can’t find the difference between rooms, people, colors, yourself. You look exactly the (verb) same but have a different name. You’re surrounded in white but really in black. You’re somewhere you’re not. These are the situations I permit you to work. Nothing else. Nowhere else. And you don’t have to make sense now and you don’t have to make sense ever. Just make it work. 

The air inside my head

what's really strange is that i generally have to be extremely depressed to have really deep meaningful conversations. It's a little difficult to comprehend...almost like my IQ shoots up a hundred points everytime I cry. Strange no? Half of the time I walk around its almost as if there is nothing in there. Even if I know the answer or what I want to say...I can't say it because the right words wouldn't come out. I don't know why I was built this way. 

To follow or not to follow

Don't be afraid to make the call. If you don't what you stand to lose is yourself. 


Suicide prevention hotline: 1-800 273 8255