One Hundred and Fifteen Pounds of Seventeen year old fat.

I'm Leaning against a bathroom door with a knife pressed against my heart


The person who loves me tries to break in


They don't know that if they simply kick the door down 


that the knife will go straight through my heart




Am I awful? Sometimes. 
Am I a bad person? I tell myself I am so that way I have an excuse for behaving the way I do. In reality though....nah i'm not bad. 
I've learned to adapt
accept my life
i've learned to take the lemons and make short films out of them 


i've learned to take a can of soup and whip it across the room nearly nicking my best friends head because someone else in the room called me "Fat." One hundred and fifteen pounds of seventeen year old fat. 
I've learned to crawl into closets and sleep under beds
take showers with clothes on and eat ramen in the dark
reside behind three locked doors in infinite space 


I'm not suppose to notice space but i'm in the middle of an empty room with all this unused air around me ( I don't breathe much) it's challenging, being a hermit. But i've adapted. 


Although I cry out of loneliness i've adapted. I've even accepted that I proofread my posts before I publish them. I see words like "cry" and "loneliness" and the thought of sending something out like that for the world to read makes me cringe. This person (as in me) who used to be so private, so locked down with her own books of written sob stories and painful memories jotted down on post-it notes, THIS person (as in me) has found someway to completely alter her hidden private emotional world into something so public and overly dramatic which makes this person believe that a word like nonsense applies to her life now more than ever. 


But why do I cringe at the idea of others knowing these personal things about me.... why do I believe sharing these facts about myself and sharing life experiences is nothing more than nonsense? This is after all the anatomy of melancholy. If you want to know where it comes from.....and if I want to know where it comes from...then we'll just have to read on and learn it together. This is all improv so the moment you learn something new about me than so do I. 

We'll learn moments from fourty-five pounds of five year old fat to one hundred and fourty-pounds of twenty eight year old fat. That's a lot of growth in between maybe we can help each other discover some interesting and happy stories about the in between.