The type I am

I am the cool girl

I am not the beautiful girl

I am not the girl that everyone wants to sleep with

I'm the girl people choose to kill time with because i'm entertaining

I'm not the girl people really choose to know

because I live solely on the surface

because living beneath is to dangerous and to damaging.

I'm the cool girl who is so good at playing on the surface

that no one even notices she's living underneath. 

The past few days

getting from point a 
to point b 
has been a struggle 


My left palm carries the written words "It's not your fault" from point a


just incase I don't make it to b 


I've been over animated at work


in constant movement


they think i'm over tired but i'm just trying to keep myself distracted 


from myself 

I know theres a number but I don't feel like calling


I don't even mind that i'm a hypocrite 




I could have killed myself in front of my 8 year old 




I could have killed myself in front of my 1 year old 




Its a pattern on repeat 


and if he sucks it all up his life is over


 just like mine is from time to time 




It shuts me down
I can't focus 


but another side of my brain opens up allowing me to be more intuitive 




this nonsense is nothing more than coincidence 




In one moment a life is altered 


I kind of feel like the lines on my palms have been rearranged 

Her story is just a little more interesting than mine

                                                 Her body is where it needs to be 

as she learned she hasn't turned an inch in ten years

I want to be an immature person who can move forward in this life without feeling
an ounce of pain for the things that shouldn't matter anymore. 


I hoped the more work I put out there the quicker it would disappear. 




But the thing about knowing only one thing is what happens when its gone? 


These things that consume me like raw fire
curling fingers spitting up around a cracked pot 
cracking me further spilling me on top of the open range 


I don't want any of it. You've seen what it's done to me. I've seen what it's done to me. I've seen what it's done to you. 


But I'd be lost without it. 


When I smile without hiding  and when I laugh without regret


how long will it take you to know i'm missing? 


The world inside of everybody could use some change 
we could evolve with revolving 
it's just a matter of making ourselves turn


and so then she learned she hasn't turned an inch in ten years 
no circular
no curving course 
time standing still illuminating space 
reflecting all the emptiness around her 
how informative we all must be 


she weeps over those
who shouldn't matter anymore and it's just to sad, for she knows
she was never wept for. 

I was curious to where people tied the noose... then I explored my options

I would go to the extent of finding the rope, creating the noose, securing it tightly, then i'd stare up at it as it swayed from the rafters. Just to get a feel.

My imagination will carry me through the rest of it.

My house doesn't seem to support hangings.

sometimes it doesn't support me

It supports past events. Tightly grips onto them carrying them from room to room never letting me forget.

It doesn't matter which room I escape to because the house is everywhere reflecting back on me

telling me what I am

telling me what i'm not

suffocating me until tomorrow

and it's only sad because tomorrow

will never end.

Tomorrow will never end.

To G

I just saw you
There is a cold drift to this summers air
and I think you'd rather be somewhere else 
In your chair you looked at me 
you told me you never felt this way 
and you didn't control it 
because you couldn't control it. 
But I want you to know I love you G 
You're the only one i've ever known 
I don't want you to go 

I want you to know I love you G. 

The part that wins

                                           I haven't decided yet. How can I?


I have a hard time sleeping at night. I'm often consumed by fear. I live in a big house all alone in the middle of nowhere which triggers all of these nightmares. When I created this track I was almost on the verge of paranoia. I feel I may have created it in hopes of escaping it. For my video "How she sleeps" I took this track, reversed it, then recorded another voice track over it. Hope you enjoy it.    




How she sleeps audio track




"How she sleeps" video ( audio reversed) 







fin 

It should have left me long ago

Instead it's hanging on as tight as it can. 




I'm not a fan of those who complain 


so when I do complain i'm worse off than when I started 

I keep telling myself that there is something important to look forward to 


but I've never looked forward. 




Once upon a time there was a princess. She had everything, which in turn, made her have nothing. 






Here is something else I don't like 



let me share it with you 




To those of you out there who see a neighbors tears and say something along the lines of "you have nothing to be depressed about. Look at the starving children in Africa" 


Or maybe you've even said something like this 




"There are so many people out there who have it far worse than you will ever have it." 




You are a very fortunate piece of work to not have to deal with something so tragic. 


But Let me educate you for a moment. 

It is not about surroundings    It is not about the food we may or may not have to put inside of our bodies   it is not about an external war between two countries    it is about an internal war inside of our minds    there is no control    we feel it because it's in there    this is not about comparison   because when our minds go dark there is nothing else that exists that we can even compare ourselves to   be fortunate that you are not a part of it  but be aware enough to not toy with something you don't understand  we are manipulated by our own brains   and that's it    there are two ways out of it    one way is to retrain your mind which can take decades  another way is to pretend it doesn't exist and live a life that isn't yours until one day the real one forcefully comes out         if you haven't experienced it then forget what you think you know          it's probably wrong anyways 

and this is how she sleeps

Step one. MOVE. -> Punctuation. That was step two. Punctuality, why?  someone isn’t waiting for me. REALITY: Everything is real, even when it’s only in my head. LIFE = It’s a short lifeline. FACT: I used to be afraid of the dark but now it’s all I know. LIE: I am not afraid of the dark. CONFESSION: I am terrified of the dark. I am the only one who dances circles around myself. I am the inventor of the game. LESSON: cutting myself deep because of what didn’t matter. GLORY: knowing others find something in me worth sharing to one another, even if it’s a fault. -> Have you moved yet. We’re getting closer now.  Rug burned body, buy a bed. Metallic in my mouth from tasting what I see. -> stop looking <- confused, ripped wings, short life line. I try to save it anyways. Here and now. I try to save it anyways and if I reach it, it will sting. But it’s all I know. Heart landing. You’re not as gone as I thought you were. EXPERIMENT: Only create when you can barely stand. When you’re so tired you can’t find the difference between rooms, people, colors, yourself. You look exactly the (verb) same but have a different name. You’re surrounded in white but really in black. You’re somewhere you’re not. These are the situations I permit you to work. Nothing else. Nowhere else. And you don’t have to make sense now and you don’t have to make sense ever. Just make it work. 

The air inside my head

what's really strange is that i generally have to be extremely depressed to have really deep meaningful conversations. It's a little difficult to comprehend...almost like my IQ shoots up a hundred points everytime I cry. Strange no? Half of the time I walk around its almost as if there is nothing in there. Even if I know the answer or what I want to say...I can't say it because the right words wouldn't come out. I don't know why I was built this way. 

To follow or not to follow

Don't be afraid to make the call. If you don't what you stand to lose is yourself. 


Suicide prevention hotline: 1-800 273 8255

You can't get into my face like that

Sometimes when you lean over to wake me up
I wake up happy




But sometimes it takes me back to a time when bad things happened to me
and it makes me forget where I am. 


I don't want to hurt you the way that I was hurt. 

So please roll over and start your day without me. 

This is not a dream

Insert gaps
Fill those gaps with the good things that 
never occurred. 


Retraining your mind is the only way out of this. 


Those cracks in the sidewalk you've avoided your whole life
need to be filled in. 

Let it break your mother's back. Let it break your own. 


You are but a single penny glued to the ground fooling a poor mans loneliness.


What does that offer besides regret. 

You see soldiers marching on
Their lives at a distance
but guns intertwined. 






Insert gaps
Fill them with the good things that you 
wish occurred. 




This is not a dream. 

Stranger in The Street

Why would the gunman kill me 


He didn't even know the streets were already covered 


in my blood. 


Why would the stranger's watch on


why would they take it all on? 


To see the death of one they didn't even know of. 




And if I could


I'd tell you all off 


And if I could 


I'd say what's on my mind




But I can't wake up from the imprint 


I can't climb out from the outline that's become me. 




So why did the stranger point his gun at me? 


To kill me when I'm already dead and on the ground by your feet




And if I could


 I'd tell you all off


And if I could


I'd say what's on my mind


But I can't wake up from this imprint


I can't climb out from the outline that's become me. 

When you live a lie

How long before it becomes the truth? 

Just cuz you feel it doesn't mean it's there.

When People die I have a hard time mourning their deaths




I feel bad




Almost apathetic when people die




Most people don't realize that I believe in a god


When I speak of my apathy when others die I feel that god will take away someone I really love


just to say "Fuck you." 




Just to tell me i'm a bad child




just to teach me a lesson. 






People tell me that god isn't vengeful 


but that's only the god that they believe in. 


so what is the real god? 




I used to feel so much. Someone I once loved and really cared for went missing. Reporters were having a field day....they were on a mission. She came back on air and with a shit eating grin told the world that there was news about the missing girl then cut to commercial. I laughed. I wondered when was too early to call her and invite her over for dinner. The reporter came back on, changed her face to what made the story, and reported her death. I hate the news. It's factitious and real at the same time. It's changed me for good. 

two colors in my mind

black


























white
























"black is not a color"


"white is not a color"


"black is a color"


"white is a color"




where is a scientist when you need one 






two halves combined into one


one part black


one part white


all gray 


no rain


not a single cloud


everything is set with a hard shell around it 


preparing to be shattered with a tiny blow 


























Radiohead said it best when they said everything was in it's right place. 

Artist statement

I’ve always been good, exceptional really, at hiding who I was

From twelve years old I’ve been told by dozens of people that I should do stand up, be a comedian, be an actor.

But the funny girl was just a mask. A really strong mask that I wore for a very long 

Time.

Inside I was trapped. I was trapped inside of my own head. I was suffocating myself with so much pain, too much that I didn’t know what to do with.

I guess I can say that the things I’ve experienced have brought me into another world and left me there to die alone.

I’ve spent a long time trying to pull myself back out of that world with no success. Then in 2003 I had a son.  

He was supposed to be enough to pull me out. He was supposed to be the reason for my existence. Reason enough for me to exist. But he was more than enough and I used that as a reason to end everything.  I was convinced that a life without me in it would be far less darker then a life with me in it.

That year I failed. I had to beg to be released so I could see my son on his first birthday. But the cycle continued. Hospital after hospital, medicine after medicine, scar after scar, the cycle continued for six long painful years and I never talked about it. No one did.  The things that needed to be said the most were the things that were kept quiet and ignored.  I never believed myself to be anything other then something that should be ignored. I had nothing to offer myself or anyone else so I just lived alone with my nightmares.

When I was 27 I had a dream, an actual dream. Inside of it I was making a video. I don’t know of what but I woke from my sleep and a few days later that infinite sadness I felt my whole life hit me again. I thought about escaping one last time, but I made a video instead. I escaped inside of the process of making it and I finally had a cure for myself.

 I used to think of failing as such a horrible thing. Just another weakness I had.

But if you fail at taking your own life, then it’s failure that saves you. I was saved by something I considered to be a weakness and now I’m stronger then ever.  I found a way to get out what I felt and what I saw without hurting myself, or those around me. 

There are two sides of me when it comes to filmmaking. One side of me is all about meaning. Things have to have meaning and they have to have a purpose. The other side of me says “Just do it because you want to. Not everything has to have rhyme or reason to it. Do it because you feel like it alisha.”  But the interesting thing about that side of me, even though I just throw the pieces together randomly, they still always seem to have meaning.

I’m going to present two pieces to you

Two pieces, which I feel, resemble those sides of me.

The first piece I’m showing is called “Static.” 

Click here for static 

This piece is all about meaning. It has meaning from the images to the audio. It represents something I felt, Something I went through, it showed an existing moment in my life. It’s about a time in my life where I was constantly trying to blend in or become something different according to someone else’s needs. There were so many of me that I felt like I was drowning and I wanted to escape again. But my son was there begging me to stay. So instead of drowning I opened my eyes to see him and I stayed. This piece was my outlet, my way out.  This video represents my survival.

The next piece I’m going to show you is “ProjectX.”

click here for projectX

All art is subjective. Therefore anybody could find meaning in this.  In creating this piece, I filmed random things and through them together randomly without meaning and without purpose. This video represents the part of me that just puts things together because I want to…because I think it looks good, or it feels good. This piece represents the part of me that just is.  Even though people can find meaning in this, it was never intentional.  But after watching the final project I myself started seeing meaning inside of it, interesting things, mostly about life and death. Things in this world that can bring you life are the same things that can destroy it, like the apples. There is an old couple dying, while a young couple is kissing. There are Birds that are alive that flourish and then a bird that has died. There is a tear, which shows sadness over loss, yet it’s reversed heading back into the eye showing that we’re resilient creatures and our lives go on.  Some of my work I make just because I feel like it. I don’t intend on having meaning in everything I create. But for some reason it seems to head that way. 

So does that mean my subconscious being has more power over my consciousness or was all of the meaning accidental?

I don’t have the answer for that and I’m not sure that I ever will be able to make that connection.

The things I make now and will continue to make in the future will not be simple to understand. I don’t like to do the easy things because I think that my audience will benefit from it more. I like to experiment with ideas, and techniques, and I like to work in between the lines. Whether it’s understandable or not, what I see in my head, eventually you’ll see through your eyes.

I’m still growing and for the first time I feel like I have something to offer now and I refuse to ruin it for myself with self-doubt. Whether or not I make a film that is extraordinary, grand, small, for personal expression, I know that I’m capable. I love that I’m no longer in hiding and that I can open up about the things I’ve been through. I found a way to express myself without losing anything. If I can make an impact on one person with the things I do that let’s them know that they’re not alone. That let’s them know that they don’t have to live in secret, and hide who they are. That shows them that there are outlets out there like this one to help them, just ONE PERSON, than it’s all worth it.

as personal as it gets.

The adrien Project <--- Link to a track located at soundcloud. 

Summing up

The past year  <---Demo reel 

Inner peace by way of death

When I close my eyes I see the joker
I think it's me. 
Grinning sharp teeth
piercing the lower lip, shedding blood
the taste of rust.







I think it's me.






In my screams I hear "I'm a prisoner, help me escape." 
I own the key
I've swallowed the key.






I open the door to the wind
that moves along the pavement.
rain soaked shoes
flattened grass




I find myself in a dark field
and at last i'm no longer lost inside of myself.
My throat is burning from letting out the pain






























and I see myself for who i've become

and who i've never wanted to be. 

If you knew my story word for word had all of my history, would you go along with someone like me? 




Usually when things have gone this far people tend to disappear. No one will surprise me unless you do. 




Thank you peter, bjorn & john for a song that applies. 

Young Folks

If you listen I'll talk

When I find out the truth about what others think of me life becomes difficult. 
I'm not suggesting that ignorance is bliss. 
I only feel that pieces of my life that once had meaning are now to be thrown away with the rest of the worlds garbage. 
When I find out the truth about what others think of me things become complicated.
 On one side my mind thinks "What do I care? I'm better than this nonsense anyways."
 On the other side my mind seeks approval. 
It also makes me wonder about the things I thought were real. "Well if they think this, they must also feel this way."

 After a while it gets painful and then I begin to wonder what parts of the relationship ever mattered in the first place. 

I've realized that my self 

doubt doesn't originate from my own mind, but the minds of others.

 

Without support, without encouragement, goals that I have just become days of the week.
 There is no longer a difference between the two. Fighting for something I really wanted just becomes fighting through another day.
 Then the days of the week blend together for me and I just get one giant struggle.






 I've never cared about eyes watching me, even when I was younger. Watchful eyes didn't concern me.
I played out my own role and was never bothered with what I was "Suppose" to do or who I was "Suppose" to be. 
Transforming into what others wanted me to be, what nonsense.
 It became an amazing thing when I met the select few who didn't need that from me, who didn't require transformation. Ah love and friendship, what an amazing thing. 
Years later comfort sets in just as I realize they didn't require transformation because they never required me. 
That's when those watchful eyes become a problem. 
Eyes that wouldn't have mattered before have made me crave blindness. They have made me crave ignorance. They have made me want a way out of this mess. 










But those eyes can watch me climb from the hole they put me in
 because i'm back to square one.  

Another distraction takes its course

My support system is bleak                    Q


   c                            my habit continues


who's to say that I'm not satisfied with the teachings of my choir                                  z


In the middle of my own little chair lies an unknown story                    y


    p                   no matter how much is given


no matter how much is read


it's still unknown


don't pretend to be a part of the crowd when the crowd is scarce. 


 F                  No one cares. 


I have tried to


but in my caring is my own suffering


                 k                in sharing a heart I lose a heart                                  E


so with no heart left to offer


  M                    how can I still be hurt by words


unless my mind is what controls my pain


              h                               r                             so then I give it away just to lose it


and what am I to do without a mind                             T


              b           letters start to disappear

What did you dream when you ate a spider while sleeping?

I dreamt I was awake.